Draco's Letters
by Green Flames
Summary: ON HOLD!Having finished Hogwarts, and being the richest wizard alive Draco decideds to mail prank letters, see what chaos he creates. Matchmaking, weird advice and soul mates.
1. What To Do?

**A/N: This is my newest piece of work so let me know if you guys like this.**

**Disclaimer: Do you really think I own this?**

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What can I possibly due to pass the time? thought Draco over and over as he continued to paced his lavishly decorated study. What can I do? he thought again. I am the richest and the most eligible bachelor at the moment, even more so than Potter, and I have nothing to do. What else can you possibly do after helping defeat the most metally challenged man ever. Of course he was talking about Lord Voldie, during his 7th year Draco had one of those break through moments where you realize the errors of your ways. Not that Draco would ever admit that he was wrong, he just told pot-head that the dark side would eventually lose and that Draco Malfoy never lost. That and he had valuable information that would help them beat the old faggot, in the end. Finally pot-head tested some of his information and it turned out to be right. Pot-head said "Malfoy you're still a git and blah, blah, blah,blah." speaking of pot-head he hadn't heard about him in a while not that he would ever worry.

"Draco,"

"Father," answered Draco curtly as he turned around to face his father.

"Are you getting married anytime soon?" was the usual question that spilled from Lucius lips.

"What is it with you and getting me married? Don't you have anything better to do?" asked Draco, "I mean I'm only 20 there's still plenty of time for me to settle down. Don't you think? I mean I don't want to lose my reputation as the 'Party Hero'."

" Listen Draco,you're mother and I aren't getting any younger in years despite what the Prophet says, we just want to make sure that the Mafloy legacy continues, we want to make sure that our son does not become gay."

Draco was lost for words for a moment he felt that he had been punched in the stomach. "How can you..how can you accuse me of being gay," sputtered Draco. "Do you know what they called me during my Hogwart's years? They called my the Slytherin Sex God emphasis on SEX."

"So you admit it you banged alot of men, oh dear lord, don't tell me that you and Potter, or worse yet that Weasley," said Lucius as he clutched his heart thinking that he would pass out at any moment. "You've tainited the Malfoy name forever. I hope that you're proud."

"No. Father I would never do that. Do you really think that I would sleep with men and Weasley of all people? They called me Slytherin SEX God because I slept with alot of WOMEN not MEN." explained Draco.

"Whatever," said Lucius. "I just want grandchildren."

"Father I would think it best if you left."

"So long daughter," Lucius couldn't resist the urge to add that comment he was so witty.

Draco threw the nearest object at the spot where Lucius had previously stood before leaving and it shattered into many pieces. I'm still bored he thought. He resumed his previous action which was pacing. When he ended up at his desk. Paper...ink...eureka! I will write prank letters he thought enthusiastically. He sat behind his desk to start his letters. At least I can have a bit of fun and I can take my mind off my idiotic father and his crazy ideas he thought. With that cherry thought he started writing his letters.

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_Dear Somebody,_

_I need your help! I don't know who I am or where I'm at! Can you please help me? My memory is gone can you help me get it back? Please can you help me, I'm beging you, you're my only hope. I have no one else in this world._

_Yours Truly,_

_Confused_

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_Hello!_

_I know about your problems and I can help! Yes, you read right I will help you achieve what you want, now lie! Just write back stating all your problems and i'll help you._

_Sincerely,_

_Problem Solver_

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_Salutations,_

_I can help you, you just have to believe me. It's the whole Romeo Juliet thing going on right? I know about it, just let me help you out._

_Yours Truly,_

_Cupid ll_

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With a rare simle that most people never get to see, Draco mailed off the three different letters and waited for a response back.

At three different houses three different owners recieved the letters. The only thing was that he had no clue who recieved the letters, as the recipients had no clue who the sender was.

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**A/N: So did you guys like my new fic, it was just a random idea that was floating in my head since forever. So review, review, review. And tell me if you love it or it deserves to be burned and never be read again by human eyes.**

**REVIEW**

**Also if there's more errors then usual it's because in Mexico they have a whole different keyboard and it's different to me. I type like 62 WPM and I didn't have time to keepcorrecting my errors, Sorry! I had no idea that you had different keyboards in different countries at least I learned something new.**


	2. Change Your Name

**A/N: Wow, I got 3 reviews! That's good, anyway I hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: No, they're not mine! Now leave me alone.**

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Harry Potter, otherwise known as the Boy Who Really Did Live, was walking around his house in a pair of boxers. "You, should really consider shaving, the rugged look works better on that handsome Draco Malfoy." shouted the mirror as Harry looked at himself. "Shut up!" Harry retored to the mirror that Ron had gotten for him as a present.

"I'm not the one afraid of Barney," taunted the mirror.

"Shut up. Barney can be very traumatizing for a 4 year old especially if he's chasing you because you accidentally set his tail on fire." said Harry as me made his way toward the kitchen.

Peck, peck, peck

"I'm coming, I'm coming," muttered Harry as a large eagle-owl flew in. "Sure, why don't you make yourself right at home? What do you have for me?Candy, flowers, under garments, or better yet death wishes?" asked Harry.

The owl just dropped an envelope and flew off. After reading the letter Harry was amazed at how they knew. They must be very talented he thought. How could they know that? I might as well right back.

_Dear Problem Solver,_

_I am a very important person, so I think that I am doing a great deed by writing back to you. I don't know who you are, you could be a drug addict, crossdresser, fag, dead person, or a psycho. For all I know you can be all of the above. Anyways, since you want to know my problem i'll tell you. I like this person I need advice on how to be suave._

_With Second Thoughts,_

_Loveless_

I wonder if they can really help me? thought Harry as he tied his letter to Hedwig and watched her fly off. Might as well eat something and shave, maybe, thought Harry as he walked off.

"Hey, look, I have mail," Ginny stated as she picked up the envelope that was on her bed.

Holy crap! How did they find out, about my relationship. Might as well write back and see if these people can help me out.

_Dear Cupid ll,_

_I don't think your name is accurate since I am already in love, and you don't have to make me fall in love, since that is what cupids usually do. Maybe you were high on drugs when you choose your name, or maybe your parents were high on drugs when they named you. You know drugs are bad for you and if your parents were high on drugs when they had you then there's a chance that you are mentally challenged or deformed. Maybe that's why you choose a retarded name? That is just my opinion not to get your feathers ruffled._

_Back to my problem, I've been going out with this guy for over a year now, and I need help breaking it to my family. My parents wouldn't approve, being who they are, and my brothers would probably kill him. So if you can help me out great._

_Sincerely,_

_Juliet_

_P.S. You might reconsider the name, or quit using drugs._

Hermione stepped out of the shower and wrapped a blue bath robe around herself. "I don't have anything to do today," she muttered to herself, as she towel dried her hair.

"Let's see, Ginny is off somewhere, Luna is hunting one of those weird creatures she belives in, Fred and George are running the shop, Ron is shagging Lavender, and Harry disappeared." she continued as she walked towards her room, to pick something to wear.

"You dam, evil bird, you!" shouted Hermione as she tried to get the bird who was attacking her hair off. "Get off! Get off!" she shouted until if finally flew away dropping a letter on her head. "They have to be off their rocker to think i'll help them." Hermione stated after she finished reading the letter. "But it will give me something to do, since I have no life."

_Dear Confused,_

_First of all I would like to say, that I hate your bird. I think it was on speed. Did you lose your memory, or is this some sort of sick joke? Anyways, to help you I need to know how you lost your memory, did you hit your head, maybe?_

_Then I need to know when this happened. I'm also going to have to ask you if you remember anything at all, for example your name. You might also tell me where you're at or describe your surroundings. Also, tell me if there is powder around you. You might have been high, hit your head and lost your memory. If there is don't touch or sniff it, drugs are BAD! This is all for now._

_Get Well Soon,_

_Healer_

The three letters were owled back to who ever sent it. Harry, Hermione, and Ginny not knowing they were all writing to Draco Malfoy.

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**A/N: There ****you go the 2nd chapter woo-hoo! I think i'm going to alternate and have Harry, Hermione, Ginny one chapter then the other chapter Draco.**

**Happy New Year!**

**By the way...REVIEW**

**Or Else! Face the wrath of my army of blood thirsty penguins. That's right, Blood Thirsty Penguins!**


	3. Humpus Bumpus

**A/N: Guess who's back? If you guessed Green Flames then you're right. If you guessed another then I'm not sure about your mental ability.**

**Anyways, it's true this is a new chapter. Hope you like it.**

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Draco was currently sipping tea in one of his manor's many gardens. I really don't have anything to do, thought Draco to himself. Zabini is being weirder then ever doing Lords knows what. Crabbe and Goyle have no life like me. But as they drink out of the milk carton, I have no life in style. It still amazes me that they know which carton to drink out of. Maybe today I will finally recieve some responses from the letters that I mailed. My father has been unusually quiet. I hope he's not planning to drug me then carry my limb body around and force me to marry a fat muggle lady that has a tattoo that says Bubba on her arm thought Draco with a shudder. My father can be quite weird he thought. I wonder where my letters ended up. 

"Son,"

"What is it, father?" asked Draco annoyed by the fact that Lucius would always interrupt him when he was thinking.

"I have been thinking and I found out that it's legal for homosexual couples like you and whoever is your significant other to adopt children. What I thought was that you and your partner can adopt a baby and therefore giving me a grandson. I'm sure that you will be able to find an adequate heir to the Malfoy fortune."

"For the last time father I am not gay!"

"If that is what you believe son,"

"Would you just leave me alone?"

"Touchy,"

Why can't my father get it through his blonde head that I am not gay? thought Draco as he plopped down on a chair with all the grace a Malfoy shows while plopping down in a chair waiting for his father to leave. While Draco was silently counting to ten his owl roused him from his current state of mind.The weirdos actually responded he mused as he untied three letters that were on his owls leg.

"I guess I shall be leaving, seeing that you will want some privacy answering the letters of all your male friends," stated Lucius as he walked out of the garden.

"Father!" shouted Draco as he heard what he said. Might as well read them he thought.

This person must have problems thought Draco. Besides who can be more important then me, and he really does have a problem. I'm good at this guessing thing. How can say that I'm a drug addict, and what is it with everyone thinking I'm queer? I knew it! There's a secret organization that's secret dream is for me, the Great Draco Malfoy, to become gay! Has my father been giving press conferences or something? Draco thought as he read the first letter. He then proceeded to conjour a quill, ink, and some parchment.

_Dear Loveless,_

_Sine you are an important person I will tend to your problem first. I have alot of other cases so I am making a sacrifice for answering yours first. You mentioned that you wanted to be suave to get your 'woman'. Before I can instruct you on the fine points of being suave, I need to know how suave you are now. What would you rate yourself on a scale from one to ten? I will also need a photograph or description of yourself to know if your looks are not the thing that makes girl run away. You should know that girls don't tend to like guys that are hideously ugly. I have narrowed it down that your problem is that you want to get a girl. I guessed right and you need my help. Please write back that's what I'm here for to solve your problems._

_Sincerely,_

_Problem Solver_

As Draco finished writing his response for the first letter he decided that he needed a break.

"Dora," said Draco addressing the house elf.

"Yes, Master Draco,"

"If my father asks where I am tell him that I went to Diagon Alley,"

"As you wish, Sir."

With that Draco apparated to Diagon Alley.

**Diagon Alley**

I might need a book thought Draco as he strutted down Diagon Alley. Flourish & Blotts is too old. Ahh, here we go this is new he thought as he reached a small bookstore, Humpus Bumpus. What a queer name he thought as he stepped inside he saw books on ever inch available on the wall. Draco continued to walk through the aisles when a young woman caught his eye. She had unruly brown hair but a great body and was reaching to place a book on the top shelf. Now, I can't have a damsel in distress can? he thought always being the gentleman.

"Here let me help you," said Draco as he placed the book she wanted on the top shelf.

"Thank y--" the words stopped when she turned around.

"Malfoy?"

"Granger?"

"What are you doing here? I thought by now you and Weasel Boy would have ten children."

"No, Malfoy this store," Hermione said slowly and waved her arms indicating the place they were in, "is mine," she said pointing to herself as if talking to a mentally impaired person, but since it was Draco she knew he wouldn't understand she had to explain things slowly.

"Granger, I am not stupid,"

"Well, you sure had me fooled all these years,"

"Watch it Granger,"

"So, are you going to buy something or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take this magazine..."

"Bloody hell!"

"What? You can't afford it Malfoy?"

"Potter's dead!"

"Don't be thick!" said Hermione, "it just says that Harry has been missing for months now. It's a load of rubbish."

"So, where is Potter?"

"He's away doing this spiritual thing,"

"I always knew he was gay."

"You can leave now,"

"Is that how you treat your customers?"

"Go away, it's on the house."

A few minutes later Draco Malfoy walked out of Granger's store. Then he stopped. I thought Granger was hot! But that was before I knew it was her Draco thought as he continued walking and finally returned to the manor after he bought some icecream trying to make himself feel better and telling himself that he didn't think that Hermione Granger was hot.

**Manor**

"I thought the first one was a nutter," muttered Draco as he finished reading the second letter.

_Dear Juliet,_

_You want me to change my name? I assure you that am not on drugs and if my parents knew that you said they were on drugs. I am also angered that you think me metally challenged. What about you? They must skipped you when they gave out the creativity genes because you don't have any. You must also be a bit slow to actually think my name is Cupid II. Back to your problem. I need to know a bit more about your family. Also, hom much you care about your Romeo._

_Sincerely,_

_Cupid II_

This last letter he answered was a bit harder.

_Dear Healer,_

_Thank you so much for deciding to help me. You are a wonderful person. My surroundings are fine decoration and I'm in a large house. There's also a weird man saying I'm gay. I wonder if that's my name? There are no drugs here. I cannot remember when I lost my memory. If you like I can tell you that I'm very handsome. Once again thank you for helping me._

_Yours Truly,_

_Confused_

Draco then called for his owl and told her to deliver the letters. He sat back down and began to read the magazine.

"Father!" yelled Draco.

"Yes, son?"

"What is the meaining of this!" cried Draco as he pointed to an article. Which said:

_Lucius Malfoy declares his son gay. Many girls are heartbroken while gay men _

_everywhere are celebrating. Mr. Malfoy says he fully supports his son. These_

_are some of the signs that Draco showed that indicated he was gay._

"It is true," stated Lucius as he walked out leaving a purple faced Draco.

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**A/N: Yea! I updated! Don't know when I will again so enjoy. Hope you like it**


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